Eric Spinetti
BIO
PhD candidate at Van Andel Institute (USA) studying epigenetic regulation in heart and skeletal muscle formation. Dad of a one-year-old old daughter.
Instagram: @doutorando.numa.fria
Twitter: @EricSpinetti
Eric Spinetti
“Every day that goes by, I’m more able to care for my baby and feel more like a father.”
When you live with your spouse, each one takes up tasks to keep everything in order - doing groceries, meal prep for the week, cleaning up the house, organising finances, etc. Then, you receive some wonderful news: your family is getting bigger! The rush of excitement turns into planning and preparation for the changes that are coming in several months when the baby comes out. However, early on during pregnancy, Mom begins to arrive from work straight to a nap that will last until the next day. Which is more than fair, since all her energy is being used to grow AN ENTIRE HUMAN BEING.
From this moment on, it's your job to make it all work in the house. Which was never the usual for men when I grew up, or even now! How many men in your life do you remember seeing cooking or mopping the floor?
I gotta say it's boring and exhausting. But when you realise that doing it all is taking care of your FAMILY, it puts a whole new perspective to it. It's much bigger than you or her. Both of you blended biologically with each other to generate a little person.
As a Dad, your biological role is also pretty boring. You give a half-cell that combines with Mom's half-cell. However, the Mom has the fascinating job of growing that unique blend into the billions of different cells that are part of the baby.
Then the baby arrives, and you think “I’m going to be an awesome Dad!”. However, you quickly learn that you simply can't calm down the baby when they're hungry and it’s almost impossible to put them to sleep. So, you move into the task you can actually handle: changing diapers!
I never thought I would appreciate cleaning someone’s poop - from the first diaper covered in green tar to that shit-storm that paints the walls in the middle of the night, including the blowout that happens while you are still changing the diaper! While Moms are spending restless nights taking care of the baby, the useless father is always trying to help here and there doing whatever they can with little to no success.
I thought I would be one of the main actors in the movie of our family, but now I think that a supporting role is fair enough. I’m not saying Dads should give up and do nothing. It’s exactly the opposite! Let’s do all that we can! It turns out that the very beginning of a baby’s life does not have much to do with Dads. And that’s fine. Your role is to keep doing the tasks indirectly related to the baby, until a little later. But keep in mind that this is also important!
At my institute, graduate students have up to 13 weeks for paternity leave. Although it’s my right, I was very reluctant to take this time off work and dedicate it to my daughter. I was afraid of delaying my graduation.
But then, my wife put some sense into my head and convinced me to take all the time I had. It was such a wonderful experience! Very intense and tiring, of course, but my daughter and I took our relationship to the next level - and there is always a deeper level of connection to be reached!
When I came back to work, research was there at the same spot waiting for me. However, those weeks with my baby daughter will never come back.
That 8-month old baby transformed into a curious, loving and talkative toddler. I’m very glad to have this opportunity and I think all fathers should! It is a blessing for us, it is a break for moms and it is necessary for our children. All things can wait, but life only happens now.
I share this brief reflection, because it was hard to accept my insignificance in this process. But there is hope! Every day that goes by, I’m more and more able to participate, to care for my baby and feel more like a Father. It’s hard for us, but it’s harder for them. Keep doing your part! Keep doing the obvious.