Lindsey Fitzsimons
BIO
I’m Lindsey Fitzsimons, a fourth-year PhD candidate in biomedical science studying the pathogenesis of congenital heart disease and navigating motherhood with my 2-year-old son James.
Instagram: @LAF_in_the_LAB
LINDSEY FITZSIMONS
“I struggle with this guilt on a daily basis.”
Even before becoming a mom, my journey in science has been an uphill battle. After finishing a Bachelor and Master’s degree in Exercise Physiology, I entered the research world quickly realising that I didn’t have “the right background.” As the only “older,” married woman, I tried to hide the fact that I really wanted to have a baby, but I couldn’t help but worry that everyone else around me was already assuming this about me-not a good feeling. My husband and I decided to go for it, but there was a part of me that feared that this would be the beginning of the end of a career for me in science and academia.
I will never forget the day I told one of my female mentors, someone I really trusted and respected at the time, that I was pregnant. She laughed at me before responding, saying she was sorry that I had “chosen to go to the dark side.” I will also never forget the day I told my advisor, who replied that he “Was not confident I could manage motherhood and completing my PhD.”
Fortunately, my PhD program was very flexible with me taking a few months off for maternity leave - but as circumstances would have it, this mama was itching to get back to her lab after only a few weeks - haha!
My transition back to work was tough, but the most challenging part was the fact that I was committed to breastfeeding my son, so my work day also required a 15-min pumping session every 2 3hours over 8 months. Even though it is a federal and state law that each workplace is requires to have a designated “nursing mom” space, that space was several buildings across campus and required an additional step of retrieving the key from the department chair. To say this was inconvenient would be an understatement. I rejected this option and decided to sit in an old cell-culture space that was not being used at the time. I would pump and then proceed to stuff my breast milk storage bags in the department refrigerator, trying to avoid making contact with anyone before they would make any comments or joke about my production volume of the day.
As time passed and I stopped breastfeeding, I felt my brain return to normal as I continued to get more and more sleep. So far, this initial period was the hardest for me. Almost two years later and I am less than 2 years away from finishing my PhD and both my science and well as my job prospects seem to be building. While I feel optimistic about the next steps, I am also terrified of a new environment being labeled as “one of the moms.”
Historically, there have been two camps for women in science: The women who choose their careers or the women that choose to have a family. Choosing the latter had also become synonymous with being perceived as “less ambitious.” While I think this is still very much the assumption, I personally have felt that I can usually convince people otherwise with both my work ethic and the quality of my science.
That being said, the biggest struggle that I face now is a level of guilt that I have never experienced before. What I wish I could say out loud (but still can’t), is that in many ways, I feel I love my job and my science just as much as I love my son and husband. I don’t say this because I know people will judge me negatively, and I would never want people to think that I was a neglectful mother in any way.
What other people cannot understand is that loving one’s job in addition to your children/spouse is actually very important; it represents the love you have for your identity outside of being a mother and partner which is JUST as important! For me, I have learned that if I don’t have that piece of my identity, that balance is disrupted and I begin to feel worthless. This directly impacts my ability to be emotionally available and to care for others.
I struggle with this guilt on a daily basis, always feeling like I’ve neglected my family when I choose my science and vice versa. This doesn’t really feel good, but I guess it’s a protective mechanism to keep you motivated to survive when you’re trying to juggle all the people/projects that need you.
I simply cannot express in words how excited I am to be joining the Moms in Science community. While I am fortunate in that I have a boss and work environment that has been supportive of my choice to have a family and career in science, this doesn’t change the fact that we, as moms in science, have so little formalised support out there, in a world where we are a double minority: we’re women in science and moms in science. This doesn’t need to be a “Scarlet Letter,” but it does require us to stick together to support each other, even when we are no longer a minority. Here’s to teamwork!