Gerben Marsman
BIO
Postdoctoral researcher at Max-Planck Institute of Infection Biology (Germany) and a father-of-two.
Twitter: @GerbenMarsman
Gerben Marsman
“My mother was a bit more at home than my dad, but whenever he was there, he was unequivocally there.”
I’m a postdoctoral researcher at the Max Planck Institute for Infection Biology and a father of two. My wife is a pediatrician in one of the biggest hospitals in Berlin and works a shift system. Our nearest family is 4 hours away. Sounds like the beginning of a great story on how to crash your life within a few months, doesn’t it?
When I was a kid, my parents, my mom AND my dad, were both very much involved in taking care of me and my siblings at home. Admittedly, my mother was a bit more at home than my dad, but whenever he was there, he was unequivocally there. They shared the household, they shared their duties, and their joys, as a parent.
Even though The Netherlands is known as a progressive country, back in the 80s and 90s classical role models were the rule rather than the exception in most families and it became clear to me quite early on that my dad was doing things differently from my friends’ fathers.
I greatly admire my father for this, for I believe (maybe because of him) that children benefit enormously for having two parents that guide them through early life. Ironically enough, science wholeheartedly agrees with me here. Also, it’s just a LOT of fun to be able to be there, truly be there.
The night shift of the Mrs. kicks in and you’re running back and forth 4 times a night between the children’s bedrooms because they’re both unwell, even though you’re presenting at a lab meeting the next morning. You manage, bring the kids to daycare, the lab meeting is not great, but at least no one fell asleep during it, including you. It ends however with a discussion that sparks an army of ideas on new projects and challenging paradigms in science, energizing you again and reminding you of how great your job is.
You push your experiments through the day, make a mistake, and are too late to pick up the kids and cook dinner. As a result, dinner is a mix of crying overtired children and ironic jokes about life. One more night shift to go, but you decide to pick up the boys really early tomorrow, enjoy the playground, and skip on some work. This story was made possible by a super supportive supervisor and I have the luxury to work flexible hours. Nothing has crashed (yet).
Life is about balance. One cannot be the best parent AND the best scientist, they both come at a cost to each other. It took me a while to learn to accept this.